September 18 is apparently “National First Love Day.” Our first love is telling bad car jokes.
A Texas rancher visited a farmer in Maine. The Yankee farmer showed him around. “We got potatoes, blueberries and I have a lobster boat, too,” he said.
The Texan looked around and asked “Is this all your land?”
“Ayuh,” the Yankee said proudly. “It’s all mine.”
“You mean this is it? This is all of it?” the Texan said incredulously.
“Well, son,” the Texan laughed, “back home I’d get in my car before the sun’d come up and when the sun set, why, I’d only be halfway across my land!”
“Oh, ayuh,” said the Yankee, “I had one of those MGs too.”
On a trip to America, Pope Francis lands in New York City and gets picked up by a white stretch limousine. “You know,” the Pontiff says, “I hardly ever get to drive anymore. Any chance I could take the wheel?”
The driver hems and haws for a minute but he’s supposed to see to the Pope’s every want and need. “Yeah, ok,” the driver says. “I can’t really say no to the Pope.”
The Pope pulls away from the curb and buries the gas pedal right to the floor mat. He’s darting in and out of city traffic and drifting the limo around corners.
A motorcycle cop sees the limo coming and pulls it over. The driver’s window slides silently into the door and the cop is standing face to face with the Pope. The officer walks to his bike and and calls the Chief.
The cop says “I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit, but it’s somebody REALLY important.”
“Important like the mayor?” the Chief asks.
“Nope,” the cop says. “More important than that.”
“Important like the governor?” says the Chief.
“Way more important than that,” says the cop.
“Like the president?,” the Chief asks.
“Much more important.”
“Well, who’s more important than the president?” asks the Chief.
“I don’t know,” says the cop, “but the Pope is driving him.”
A guy buys a Yugo and the next day he’s back at the dealership.
“This thing stinks,” he says. “I live on the very top of Hill Street and when I drive this thing, I can only get up to 70.”
The dealer says, “70? It’s an economy car. 70’s not bad.”
The guy replies, “But I live at number 95.”
Homer: “My son just bought a new car.”
Jethro: “What kind is it?”
Homer: “I can’t remember the name, but it starts with ‘P’.”
Jethro: “Huh. Must be one of those hybrids. The others all start with gasoline.”
Many years ago we were cruising around Cambridge with Ray Magliozzi from Car Talk.
We came up to a light that just turned red and instead of slowing down, Ray put his foot right to the floor. I yelled out “Ray, you’re going to get us killed!”
Ray laughs and says “Take it easy, man, Tommy drives like this.”
We hit another red light and Ray blazes right through. “Seriously, we’re going die!” I screamed.
“Relax this is how Tommy drives.”
Finally, we come to a green light he stops dead and looks both ways.
“Ray, what are you doing?” I asked.
He looked at me and said “Tommy might be coming the other way.”
Another time, I brought my Fiat over to Ray’s garage.