National First Love Day? Our First Love is Bad Car Jokes

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September 18 is apparently “National First Love Day.” Our first love is telling bad car jokes.

A Texas rancher visited a farmer in Maine. The Yankee farmer showed him around. “We got potatoes, blueberries and I have a lobster boat, too,” he said.

The Texan looked around and asked “Is this all your land?”

“Ayuh,” the Yankee said proudly. “It’s all mine.”

“You mean this is it? This is all of it?” the Texan said incredulously.

“Well, son,” the Texan laughed, “back home I’d get in my car before the sun’d come up and when the sun set, why, I’d only be halfway across my land!”

“Oh, ayuh,” said the Yankee, “I had one of those MGs too.”

On a trip to America, Pope Francis lands in New York City and gets picked up by a white stretch limousine. “You know,” the Pontiff says, “I hardly ever get to drive anymore. Any chance I could take the wheel?”

The driver hems and haws for a minute but he’s supposed to see to the Pope’s every want and need. “Yeah, ok,” the driver says. “I can’t really say no to the Pope.”

The Pope pulls away from the curb and buries the gas pedal right to the floor mat. He’s darting in and out of city traffic and drifting the limo around corners.

A motorcycle cop sees the limo coming and pulls it over. The driver’s window slides silently into the door and the cop is standing face to face with the Pope. The officer walks to his bike and and calls the Chief.

The cop says “I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit, but it’s somebody REALLY important.”

“Important like the mayor?” the Chief asks.

“Nope,” the cop says. “More important than that.”

“Important like the governor?” says the Chief.

“Way more important than that,” says the cop.

“Like the president?,” the Chief asks.

“Much more important.”

“Well, who’s more important than the president?” asks the Chief.

“I don’t know,” says the cop, “but the Pope is driving him.”

A guy buys a Yugo and the next day he’s back at the dealership.

“This thing stinks,” he says. “I live on the very top of Hill Street and when I drive this thing, I can only get up to 70.”

The dealer says, “70? It’s an economy car. 70’s not bad.”

The guy replies, “But I live at number 95.”

Homer: “My son just bought a new car.”
Jethro: “What kind is it?”
Homer: “I can’t remember the name, but it starts with ‘P’.”
Jethro: “Huh. Must be one of those hybrids. The others all start with gasoline.”

Many years ago we were cruising around Cambridge with Ray Magliozzi from Car Talk.

We came up to a light that just turned red and instead of slowing down, Ray put his foot right to the floor. I yelled out “Ray, you’re going to get us killed!”

Ray laughs and says “Take it easy, man, Tommy drives like this.”

We hit another red light and Ray blazes right through. “Seriously, we’re going die!” I screamed.

“Relax this is how Tommy drives.”

Finally, we come to a green light he stops dead and looks both ways.

“Ray, what are you doing?” I asked.

He looked at me and said “Tommy might be coming the other way.”

Another time, I brought my Fiat over to Ray’s garage.

When I picked up, Ray says, “Man, you have to think about getting rid of this car. You’re in here for something every week. First it’s the fuel injection, next it’s the transmission, and I just gave you a bill for $1,200 to sort out the electrical system. I love having you for a customer, but this heap is costing you a fortune.”

“Yeah, but look at it,” I said. “It’s rusty, the tires are bald, the windshield is cracked, it needs a new convertible top, the exhaust is falling off and it’s got 157,000 miles. Even without all the problems, nobody’s giving me any money for a 157,000 mile Fiat.”

“Tell you what I can do,” Ray says. “This is just between you and me, but leave it with me and I’ll roll back the odometer. At least that way you can get a few bucks for it.”

I agreed, and Ray spun the meter to 59,000 miles.

Two weeks later I drove the Fiat back to Ray to top off the oil that had burned out that week. Ray looks at the car and says, “I thought you was gonna trade this pile of junk in. What are you doing still driving it?”

“Trade it in?” I said. “Are you nuts? It’s only got 59,000 miles on it!”

What’s the difference between a snake and a Yugo?

You can count the rattles on a snake.

A Massachusetts State Trooper in the town of Natick sees a pristine old Lincoln Town Car puttering along at 16 MPH. He thinks to himself “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

As he gets out of his cruiser he notices that four elderly women are in the car. The three passengers are horrified — wide-eyed and white as a sheet — but the driver is calm and collected.

The driver says, “I don’t understand, why you’ve pulled me over.”

The officer replies, “Ma’am, you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving much slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”

“Slower than the speed limit?” she says. “No, I was doing exactly the speed limit. 16 miles per hour, just like that sign says,” pointing to the sign beside her car.

The State Trooper laughs and explains that the sign was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the thanks he officer for pointing out her error.

“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask,” he says, looking at her three still-agitated passengers. “Is everyone in this car OK? Your passengers seem awfully shaken and they haven’t said a peep this whole time,” the officer asks.

“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 135.”

Q: What’s the difference between a Lada and a door-to-door salesman?

A: You can shut the door on the salesman.

“Russian Flintstones”, or “The Only Way A Lada Can Go That Fast”

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Craig Fitzgerald

Craig Fitzgerald

Writer, editor, lousy guitar player, dad. Content Marketing and Publication Manager at BestRide.com.

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