You say you drive a 1988 Hyundai Excel with no air, a busted window and a fender painted with Rustoleum? There aren’t many times you’d feel like a winner, but TODAY IS YOUR DAY, friend.
We’ve carefully selected indicators that your car is less than desirable as a daily driver.
Used To Belong to a Family Member
We get it. Times are tough. You have enough trouble making rent in your crappy two bedroom you split with three other people, plus your student loan. When your suburb-dwelling sister offers you a 1997 RAV4, you take it.
Glass Replaced With a Plastic Bag
Yeah, must be nice to have glass coverage, John D. Rockefeller. The rest of us are stuck with Hefty. If you’re lucky, you used a clear one.
Manufacturer No Longer Exists
If we were awarding points, you’d get one for Mercury, two for Plymouth, 37 for AMC and an even hundred for Nash.
If you’ve ever had to slide across the seat to unlock a door, you might have a Beater.
Different Color Door
We will accept mismatched fenders, rocker panels, trunklids and bumper covers, as well.
Feels Like 80, Only Going 43
If your car has “Armstrong” power steering, award yourself a space and a protein shake.
Check Engine Light On
Also, feel free to cover this space if your car was built before Check Engine Lights.
If you have a better way of listening to Foghat, we’d love to hear it.
Security by “The Club”
From an actual Amazon review: “25 year old with a suspended license sawed through it the first day I put it on. If my knucklehead kid could get it off that fast, I highly doubt that professional car thieves would be discouraged.”
From 20th Century or Earlier
If your car is at least old enough to vote this year, award yourself a chip.
There are only a handful of manuals left. If you’re driving one, give yourself a point.
How else are you supposed to cool your crotch when your AC is on the fritz?
Less Than 150hp
Your car couldn’t peel the skin off a tapioca pudding, but today you win a point.
Vise-Grip Window Crank
Hey, give yourself a chip if you have any window crank.
From a Scandinavian Country
Volvo is still around, but if you’re driving a Saab or a Troll or a Wiima, congratulations.
Chance of Theft: 0%
You could leave your car unlocked with the keys in the ignition and the only thing missing is the change from your ashtray.
If your car has hubcaps, you might be driving a rental.
Needs Fuel Pump
“Needs Fuel Pump” is such an indicator of beaterdom, it has its own Facebook page.
No AC (Broken or Non-Existent)
Listen, kids, there was a time when most cars on the road didn’t have air conditioning. We just walked around with our shirts stuck to our backs.
The last car you could possibly buy with a cassette player was a 2010 Lexus SC 430. Your Right Said Fred cassingle has been in storage ever since.
“My Other Car is a Flatbed”
If you’re on a first-name basis with a wrecker driver, award yourself a chip.
If you’re running Westlake whitewalls in the rear and a sweet set of Telluride white letters up front, you get a chip.
If you called out Bingo! and it’s time for a new car, check out BestRide.com
H/T to Ryan Haenny for passing the idea for this along!